I assume everyone else on twitter gets new followers with bizarre bios, here are a few of the most recent indecipherable, unitelligible, pointless, lame and downright hilarious personal statements and my first thoughts about those followers.
Twitter twits image from Shutterstock
“A current person I?????§ known by his appearance” – I was always told not to judge a book by it’s cover
“Yung n’ Handsome” – Well, you’re not going to write “ugly old git”, are you?
“I’m just me” – Well, who isn’t?
“Great thinker….I think so therefore I exist” – I’m sure someone else put it a lot more succinctly…
“no pic at min but will do soon” – Well, that was a month ago, still nada
“just follow to know more” – no thanks
“I am christian and I love spreading the gospels and taking part in political activities and I believe in marxism” – Didn’t Marx describe religion as the ‘opium of the masses’?
“U should know me 2 know about me ;)” – Right…
“God’s child” – I thought that was the baby Jesus. Anyway, which god, there are thousands
“am cul lovely gentle handsome.and also troublesome when it come about trouble that why am called cause trouble” – Taylor Swift could write a whole album about you
“The most depressing thing about human nature is how often it proves me right. All views expressed are my cats. xy” – Feline, existential anthropomorphisation gone awry
“No1” – Err…no…you’re…not
“Trying to Live life in the present moment…” – I think you’d struggle to live in any other moment
“Am a honest Nigerian” – I daren’t comment, most Nigerian spam does not originate in that country, as we now know
“I’m a model, aspiring tu be a lawyer in unizik.I’m fun tu be wit, cheerful nd pweedy*winks*@doll houzz” – That’s just how lawyers write. Not.
“Math and Science Nerd + Jesus Fan” – So…what’s his MyBook page?
“Simple but aint easy 2 understand” – That’s an oxymoron
“An odinary charecter !!” And, like so many ordinary characters, cannot spell
“Don’t think about past” – My old history teacher would probably disagree
“It is not that I am afraid to DIE, it is that If I die who will Think me as I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – I suspect no one will “Think” you
“My name is loveday, I like talking to my self coz I prefer dealing with beta class of people” – Not an alpha male, then?
“i’am warm,fierce,playful,loving with all people..:-)” – Fierce, huh?
“Canada….I just can’t wait….” – I bet Canada can
“Follow me I follow back:)3” – But you already followed me…I won’t be following back
“A legend was born and still lives on” – Not in the slightest bit full of yourself, are you?
“no” – Okaaaay…
“#teamfollowback” – Nope
“Play a major role in your mind,now f*ck off” – Charming. I think not
“let’s play a game of f*ck*ff…..you go first :)” – Ditto
“F*ck you basically” – And, again
“Great full for having the best family” – Great full, did you eat them?
“am kool nor trouble maker,ma life i lernt words dat says Beauty Good, Dreaming of Dead People, is all we should apply to in our lifetym” – Dreaming of dead people, that’s a nightmare, surely?
“Multiple personalities…meet me first” – There are treatments available
“i’m no perfect” – Did you mean prefect?
“im a good boy………i love cricket” – Aww, bless, he’s a good boy
“My bio, I dwell in d eleventh commandment, ”DO UR WHICH”, d third law of motion, I want to b a record breaker lik LEO” – Do your which…what it mean?
“Am sexy and simple” – Should I tell him what ‘simple’ means in Brit speak?
“I am so simple” – Ditto
“Chaser of God” – Reminded me of camp 80s comedian Duncan Norville: ‘Chase me! Chase me!’
“Cool and understanding personality with God fearing mind_set” – Uhuh
“sometimes what we see is not real, we hear that’s not the right thing. and something I never would have thought that’s unexpected best answer” – I can only assume this went through Google Translate a few times
“Flatfoot,pig,papa smurf….” – Lala Land here we come
“I love cats and dogs/ Pocky Monster/ devirginizer ng pacific intra & ichill” – A devirginizer, hmmm
“An Extrovert in generality” – Majorly odd
“? i lv 4 2dae cz 2morrw z prmcd 2 no 1???!” – Why do people use wingdings?
“Hey, ?? deedeedoc here .??????:*??????*NG*. .??????????????????? ©Official Profile O? Twitter® Verified Twitter Accou?t O? My Mi?d ??????????????????? .” – Ditto
“Im blessed & highly favored” – Well done
“Am d only me in da world nd I won’t change 4 any 1!!!!…AGGRABAR pissout!!!!…” – What on earth is a pissout?
“change your self .to change your life” – Whatever happened to sticking to your guns?
Of course, infinitely worse than all of these are those twitter users with a blank bio, an egg for an avatar and none of their other fields filled in, they’re either uber-n00bz or spammers and bots. IF only there were a way to autoblock based on my twitter flowchart algorithm…