Unintelligible twitter bios

I assume everyone else on twitter gets new followers with bizarre bios, here are a few of the most recent indecipherable, unitelligible, pointless, lame and downright hilarious personal statements and my first thoughts about those followers.

twitter-twits
Twitter twits image from Shutterstock

“A current person I?????§ known by his appearance” – I was always told not to judge a book by it’s cover

“Yung n’ Handsome” – Well, you’re not going to write “ugly old git”, are you?

“I’m just me” – Well, who isn’t?

“Great thinker….I think so therefore I exist” – I’m sure someone else put it a lot more succinctly…

“no pic at min but will do soon” – Well, that was a month ago, still nada

“just follow to know more” – no thanks

“I am christian and I love spreading the gospels and taking part in political activities and I believe in marxism” – Didn’t Marx describe religion as the ‘opium of the masses’?

“U should know me 2 know about me ;)” – Right…

“God’s child” – I thought that was the baby Jesus. Anyway, which god, there are thousands

“am cul lovely gentle handsome.and also troublesome when it come about trouble that why am called cause trouble” – Taylor Swift could write a whole album about you

“The most depressing thing about human nature is how often it proves me right. All views expressed are my cats. xy” – Feline, existential anthropomorphisation gone awry

“No1″ – Err…no…you’re…not

“Trying to Live life in the present moment…” – I think you’d struggle to live in any other moment

“Am a honest Nigerian” – I daren’t comment, most Nigerian spam does not originate in that country, as we now know

“I’m a model, aspiring tu be a lawyer in unizik.I’m fun tu be wit, cheerful nd pweedy*winks*@doll houzz” – That’s just how lawyers write. Not.

“Math and Science Nerd + Jesus Fan” – So…what’s his MyBook page?

“Simple but aint easy 2 understand” – That’s an oxymoron

“An odinary charecter !!” And, like so many ordinary characters, cannot spell

“Don’t think about past” – My old history teacher would probably disagree

“It is not that I am afraid to DIE, it is that If I die who will Think me as I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – I suspect no one will “Think” you

“My name is loveday, I like talking to my self coz I prefer dealing with beta class of people” – Not an alpha male, then?

“i’am warm,fierce,playful,loving with all people..:-)” – Fierce, huh?

“Canada….I just can’t wait….” – I bet Canada can

“Follow me I follow back:)3″ – But you already followed me…I won’t be following back

“A legend was born and still lives on” – Not in the slightest bit full of yourself, are you?

“no” – Okaaaay…

“#teamfollowback” – Nope

“Play a major role in your mind,now f*ck off” – Charming. I think not

“let’s play a game of f*ck*ff…..you go first :)” – Ditto

“F*ck you basically” – And, again

“Great full for having the best family” – Great full, did you eat them?

“am kool nor trouble maker,ma life i lernt words dat says Beauty Good, Dreaming of Dead People, is all we should apply to in our lifetym” – Dreaming of dead people, that’s a nightmare, surely?

“Multiple personalities…meet me first” – There are treatments available

“i’m no perfect” – Did you mean prefect?

“im a good boy………i love cricket” – Aww, bless, he’s a good boy

“My bio, I dwell in d eleventh commandment, ”DO UR WHICH”, d third law of motion, I want to b a record breaker lik LEO” – Do your which…what it mean?

“Am sexy and simple” – Should I tell him what ‘simple’ means in Brit speak?

“I am so simple” – Ditto

“Chaser of God” – Reminded me of camp 80s comedian Duncan Norville: ‘Chase me! Chase me!’

“Cool and understanding personality with God fearing mind_set” – Uhuh

“sometimes what we see is not real, we hear that’s not the right thing. and something I never would have thought that’s unexpected best answer” – I can only assume this went through Google Translate a few times

“Flatfoot,pig,papa smurf….” – Lala Land here we come

“I love cats and dogs/ Pocky Monster/ devirginizer ng pacific intra & ichill” – A devirginizer, hmmm

“An Extrovert in generality” – Majorly odd

“? i lv 4 2dae cz 2morrw z prmcd 2 no 1???!” – Why do people use wingdings?

“Hey, ?? deedeedoc here .??????:*??????*NG*. .??????????????????? ©Official Profile O? Twitter® Verified Twitter Accou?t O? My Mi?d ??????????????????? .” – Ditto

“Im blessed & highly favored” – Well done

“Am d only me in da world nd I won’t change 4 any 1!!!!…AGGRABAR pissout!!!!…” – What on earth is a pissout?

“change your self .to change your life” – Whatever happened to sticking to your guns?

Of course, infinitely worse than all of these are those twitter users with a blank bio, an egg for an avatar and none of their other fields filled in, they’re either uber-n00bz or spammers and bots. IF only there were a way to autoblock based on my twitter flowchart algorithm

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